I don’t know any wisecracks about revenge beyond various forms of “revenge is best served cold/hot” for example. I just know that a victory against Uruguay will bring some kind of closure to perhaps the biggest heartbreak my heart has ever lived through. For all the exhilaration I have ever felt in my life, I always wonder how much of it I would have felt if Asamoah Gyan’s penalty had been centimeters lower than the bar. Sometimes, I think no orgasm I have ever orgasmed would have come close. But I guess I will nut* find out, ever. Or will this revenge game gimme that?
So what will make the revenge against Uruguay the sweetest? Before that, I will like to say that I don’t really blame Suarez in any way. Sport is hardly a saint’s game and with that said, Suarez’s handball is by no means the greatest sporting crime, footballing for that matter that has been committed against Ghana. I believe that most of the crimes against Ghana football have not been committed by people wearing jerseys or boots, but by people who no matter what they are wearing are led by greed and personal interest.
Okay, now back to the question from earlier, allow me to rephrase into, “What manner of defeat today will make the sweetest kind of revenge?” In this mini essay, I will answer.
First of all, Suarez has to start, and has to play every single minute. I do not blame him, yes, but every revenge needs an antagonist and it helps that he handed himself the role. Rather than not really having a good game, he has to have a good game, ish. Ideally, he should hit the post three times and score an offside goal which shall only be overturned after a five minute VAR check decision. It shall be because of a new interpretation to the offside law, only renewed ahead of the tournament. He should feel exhilaration and exasperation mixing together in his stomach like a bad cocktail. The overpriced kind you buy at Accra’s festival from your friend’s friend’s stand. The one you don’t spit out even though you want to and lie to someone that “e no bad”, me naa I no really like cocktails so try am see yourself” after they ask you a simple, “e dey bee?”
The game itself shall be evenly balanced, if possible the possession stats should be 50:50. I want Uruguay attacking like a nation who really wants to make sure they don’t leave the World Cup without a goal and of course a crumb of qualification while Ghana plays a more balanced game that will be cautious-first without being not proactive.
I need the first challenge by a Ghanaian defender to be ignored by a referee who will be aware that the South American’s will be streetwise enough to make a meal out of any challenge to amplify a narrative that Ghana will be emotionally overloaded in this game. However this first challenge will however be on that will usually attract a yellow card. Just to make the Uruguyans reconsider any such tactics to get cheap fouls and yellow cards. They shall rather concede silly fouls themselves. I need Ghana to actually play the whole game without a yellow card from a foul or from dissent. The only yellow card should come from exhilaration. I will come to that soon.
For comedy, Seidu should play jester on Suarez by making a biting action after Suarez’s goal is adjudged offside. This will get him a stern warning from the referee who will manage a smile while doing so.
To make the only goal that should be scored in the game to be more painful, it shall come in the 69th minute. Just because motherfuckers gotta know they are getting fucked somehow. Scratch that, that was unnecessary. I shouldn’t be invoking foul language, but then again, did Suarez have to handle the ball? Did Asamoah Gyan have to miss the penalty? But here are now.
More decisively, the goal should come from a series of chaotic scenes.
Scene One
Suarez shall lose a ball trying to set up Nunez and Ghana will counter attack. After all, this whole revenge mission is one big counterattack.
Scene Two
Daniel Amartey will release Partey who will turn smartly from Bentacur who will hit an aponkye break. Partey shall progress and the have valverde to face. Valverde shall barge fairly into him Partey will be knocked off balance but just slightly. After steading himself, Partey shall now be yards ahead of these two midfielders. With a line breaking pass, Partey shall find Kudus.
Scene Three
Now here’s where more chaos shall follow. Somehow Kudus shall be faced with Gimenez who should have vacated his CB position, pumped by the fact that he’s won all his duels with Kudus so far, pumped by the need to break down this attack the same way theirs has just broken down. At first he shall succeed, but then a trackback by Kudus will give him the ball back.
Scene Four
A burst of pace across 5 yards will make Gimenez’s shirt tug inconsequential as Kudus plays a ball to Inaki which shall be intercepted by Coates, but just momentarily because it will only delay the ball to Inaki’s feet by just a microsecond.
Scene Five
With just the keeper left to beat and with all the excitement he is feeling, Inaki shall slip as he takes his mishit shot, it will be saved but only for the ball to hit Inaki again and then continue a weak and slow drawl towards the goal until it is cleared off the line by Coates.
Scene Six
That’s when the referee’s watch shall vibrate and tell him that the ball only only only just managed to cross the line by a millimeter. Ghana (in the stadium and all over the world) won’t care, it will erupt. Inaki will get Ghana’s only yellow card of the game for removing his shirt in the celebration.
The message which he will reveal on his inner white shirt will be a message to his parents. Peter Drury shall make a reference about how revenge is best served with Ghanaian shito with a Spanish Omelette (after doing his research well) and how poetic justice might have been done by the goal line decision by VAR. A Ghanaian fan will invade the pitch with a “Suarez, Onye” banner. This goal shall settle the game and the grudge and collective trauma. One stadium camera shall show us a Ghanaian fan with a “Our God no be leftie” placard.
So help us God.
Suarez meanwhile shall kick a bottle (after getting substituted right after the goal) onto the head of a FIFA match official. This action will bizarrely attract a 5 match ban which will be overturned after an appeal.
